Bye Matt...

Tuesday morning. Matt killed himself. Matt was 17. The exact age of my younger brother. I'm sorry Ashely. I can't fathom your loss and pain. I can only imagine the death of my own brother. Your brother is my brother, just like how the kids in the car accident were my brothers and sisters. I cried today for Matt. I sang these lyrics and burst into tears while my choir was recording the piece. "Stretched out. Stretched out underground. A boy..." Your brother. His funeral is tomorrow. Will he still wear a suit? I'm sorry. I remember your brother because you said he looked like Harry Potter. And he did. I'm sorry that's all I knew about him.

Someone asked me a question today, which is why I write about Matt.

"Is high school really that hard?"

I couldn't really answer. I kinda liked high school. I found good friends. And I thought, is that all that got me through school? I did graduate early, but I don't think my motives were because I hated school or my life. I did things like music and drama inside and outside school. I was tired of getting up so goddamn early in the morning. But I did go through some very dark hours. My friends, love 'em or hate 'em, were always there. They would at least listen to every stupid thing I ever told them. They're still that way. With out them, I would have been a very different person. I suppose I'm still here because of them. But doesn't everyone feel that way? "What would I ever do without you guys?" Does everyone find their belonging through friendship? I don't know. Without my friends and my activities, school would have been very hard. So, in a sense, I was very privileged. I had it easy, and I can't answer for any other.

As much as I would like answers from Matt, I won't try to pretend to understand him. But he's gone forever. I understand that, and that's why I cry. I hate the infinite. I cry because Ashley and family will no longer physically have Matt in their lives. Forever.