Something to write about

Finally, I have something to write about.

But before I write anything, I will not tolerate any comments that try to boost my self esteem. Such as: Oh, but Di, don't get down on yourself. You're the greatest singer in the world.

The past two weeks...well, really this entire summer, I've been disappointed in my singing performances. My technique was sloppy, I knew I was doing something wrong because it hurt, and singing at the catholic church (which was only temporary btw. Once the girl came back, I got the boot, which was kinda contrary to what the music director was saying...) only hurt my ego more. My sight reading is OK despite what everyone thinks, and my first voice lesson back at school was more like a kick in the stomach than a new start to the school year.

Midterms have passed and I'm feeling better about things. My lessons are going more smoothly, and I'm singing literature I actually like (no more of this Renaissance, early Baroque crap!), but none of that got me a role in the Winter production of the Merry Widow. I will never get used to rejection, don't let people tell you otherwise. It hurts every time. The worst part is that the two other girls my age who study with the same teacher as I do got parts. One even got a major role and she's not even a performance major!

Yeah, I'm jealous of them, but they're my best girlfriends at DePaul, so I hold no silly grudges against them. They're going to be great.

But where does that leave me?

Stuck. Stuck singing my precious Bach and Handel arias with some smatterings of cutesy Schubert and Wolf lieder. And this is my voice. My voice can sing those arias with ease. But the great dramatic coloratura literature which I'm convinced that I can sing and impress people with and have done many times before, is apparently beyond my grasp. And because of this, I feel betrayed.

I cannot change my voice. It's a part of me. It's my personality and my body. My brain thinks/wants to do all the famous arias that people like, but my voice isn't ready for that. Maybe someday, I can. But someday is too far away, especially when I want to be on stage now. Waiting sucks, especially when your peers fly past you. It really hurts the ego.